Stop trying to convince me candy corn is good!


Welcome to "Gavin Hates Everything," a whenever-I-feel-like-it column where I share with you things I loath, dislike, or hate! I know, I know: I should be spreading positivity or being "the change you want to see in the world" or whatever. Sometimes, though, you gotta let loose and shout from the rooftop about things you don't like.

And before you get nervous, don't worry: I'll try my best to keep this to frivolous things and not write a dissertation of hate directed at any politician or anyone from my childhood that started a rumor that I was allergic to water because I have eczema. But just know that 25 years later, I could because I don't let things go like a every other healthy person.

Anyway, today's object of misguided anger is candy corn.

Chynna Hall

The most disgusting thing about candy corn is that there are people that look forward to eating it. Candy corn is the festering boil on the beautiful face of Halloween. There are so many better treats to enjoy: Twix, Three Musketeers, Skittles, etc. Enjoying candy corn on Halloween is like going to a strip club because you enjoy getting punched by security. You have much better things you could be enjoying.

Having family members who enjoy candy corn puts a strain on the relationship akin to admitting that you sold grandma's ashes to buy a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker. My entire family loves the garbage. I come from a long-line of descendants who came to this country and decided they hate things that taste good.

Every year, my family buys a bunch of candy corn to give out to the kids that trick or treat. And every year I call the cops on my parents for reckless endangerment of a minor. Sadly, there is no law on the books that prevents adults from giving kids candy corn unless they are luring them to a van with it. In which case, no crime would be committed because nobody is getting into a STRANGER DANGER vehicle for candy vegetables.

That's my main hate of candy corn: Nobody was craving a candy version of CORN! It's corn we're talking about.  I've never eaten corn on the cob and said "Holy moly, I need this to be orange and trianagular and taste like sadness, misery, and what not being hugged feels like."

(Ashley Sollars)

I've had people try to rationalize their love by saying they like candy corn mixed with nuts. Nope. Not doing that. The people saying this are the same people that put nuts into their Coca-Cola bottles because the 1920's were depressing or whatever. The only benefit to eating candy corn with nuts is that a nut allergy might close your throat up and protect you from accidentally ingesting candy corn.

In conclusion, just let people who have taste buds not be subjected to your awful, awful corn candy. It's terrible and I'm sorry someone hurt you so badly in your past that candy corn was the answer.