It Is Okay to Say NO to Holiday Expectations

When the Holidays Became Too Much

I remember when my daughter was a little over a year old, and I was completely overwhelmed at Christmas. I had two major breakdowns that year. One happened in my car outside of Schnucks.

We were supposed to go to my niece’s Nutcracker performance, and I wanted to grab flowers for her. At that age, I could not take my daughter into grocery stores because the second her feet hit the ground, she would bolt for the exit doors. Yes, I chased a toddler into a parking lot more than once.

For safety reasons, I usually left her at home, but this time I thought, it’s just one item, I can do this. So I walked in with her and headed straight for the flowers, which were right up front by the exit doors. Big mistake.

She was a hellcat that day. The overstimulation of the holiday season does that to kids, especially ones who would later be diagnosed as "neuro spicy." She was wriggling out of my arms and fussing like a cat on fire. I did not want to drop her, so I set her down. The second her feet hit the cold Schnucks floor, she spun and ran.

I threw the flowers and went after her, catching her before she reached the road. I was done. I took her back to the car, buckled her into her seat, cried, and called my husband for backup. Some incredibly kind people brought the flowers out to me and even prayed with me. What a community.

The second breakdown came on Christmas Day when we had to visit family. I was burned out. I was done. I was not feeling it at all. My husband and I got into a minor argument about something dumb, and I lost it. I told him to go inside and leave me alone to have an anxiety-filled crying fit, which he gladly did. My brother-in-law came out and talked me off the ledge.

That was when I started hating the holiday season.

Learning to Step Back

By Easter, I was still frazzled and declined my invitation to Easter dinner at my in-laws. I sent my daughter with my husband and stayed home. I made a big plate of spaghetti and decompressed.

You might think my in-laws trigger my anxiety, but they really do not. They are incredibly kind. It was not them or their home. It was the expectations. When you have little kids and a lot of pressure to show up and perform, some people, like me, get overwhelmed.

Something shifted that day I stayed home with my Easter spaghetti. I felt lighter. I felt happier. I felt in control, which I had not felt in a long time. I started to understand my limits and respect them before I hit the breaking point.

Setting Boundaries During the Holidays

A few years ago, the American Psychological Association released a study showing that 89 percent of adults in the U.S. feel stressed during the holidays, citing money, missing loved ones, and family drama as the top reasons.

I did not have any of those issues, but my stress and anxiety were still sky high. So I decided to do something about it. I discovered boundaries.

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If I Am Not Feeling It, I Say So

I am an introvert at heart, so I already have to push myself to do things outside the house. I also love making plans and then dreading them the day of. I have learned it is okay to say, Sorry, I am not coming today, as long as people are not counting on me for something important.

I Let Things Be Less Than Perfect

My mother-in-law wraps gifts beautifully with handmade bows. They are gorgeous, and I used to pressure myself to match that level of holiday perfection. Then I realized people rip into the gifts and toss the bows anyway. She enjoys making them. I do not. So now, no one gets bows. I might even use gift bags this year. Gasp.

I Do Not Overschedule

When my daughter was younger, I wanted to do all the things. Every event. Every experience. Now that she is a teenager and does not care about brunch with Santa or ice skating with the Grinch, life is easier. Even back then, I learned I had to limit how much we did to survive the season.

I Do Not Buy Into the Pressure of Holiday Aesthetics

Somewhere along the way, we decided holidays have to be magical. I blame Pinterest. I love decorations, but I keep things simple and let go of the idea that everything has to look like a photo shoot.

Christmas Day Is Sacred

About ten years ago, my husband and I decided we would stop going anywhere on Christmas Day. We wake up, open gifts, and spend the rest of the day in pajamas. Our house is open to anyone who wants to come by, but expectations are low.

I pre-prep a couple of breakfast casseroles and throw something in the crockpot. It is the only day of the year I let myself couch rot all day without a shred of guilt.

I Still Struggle Sometimes

I have been much better at managing my anxiety during the holidays when I actually enforce my boundaries. Just this year, I stepped outside my comfort zone and explained to my mom that going to church, then out to eat, and then to her house would be too much for me. Without hesitation, she said, Okay, I will make dinner at home. I felt relieved and, honestly, excited to have a Christmas Eve meal at my childhood home.

That said, I still struggle sometimes. I overbuy. I wrap every single little thing. I still overdo it now and then. The difference is that I know my limits and can rein myself in before the stress turns into a full-blown breakdown. If you struggle with holiday overstimulation, stress, or burnout, it is okay to say no thanks.

And honestly, if you are a parent who worries that tempering expectations might take away some Christmas magic, I promise you it does not. In many ways, it creates more of it. When you are present and actually enjoying the moment, your kids feel that. A calmer, happier parent makes the holidays feel lighter and warmer for everyone.

Kids Feel Holiday Stress Too

I recently asked my friend, who is in high school, about his holiday plans, and he told me about all the houses he has to visit with his parents. When I asked if he enjoyed it, he admitted he mostly does it to make his mom happy. He does not really enjoy it. Always having somewhere to go and something to be can be exhausting. Being constantly “on” is hard, even for kids and teens.

In a post by digital creator "Built by Lex" she said, "Imagine being 4 years old on the best day of the year - you just got done opening all of your gifts and dad is putting the batteries in right this second but oh wait. Stop everything. Everyone needs to shower and hustle out of the house to make someone else happy. Be so for real - let them enjoy Christmas morning the way it should be enjoyed."

STOP the Expectations

Now that my daughter is older and I do not carry the same level of stress and obligation, it is easy to forget just how hard those early years were. Still, those breakdowns are burned into my memory. My parents and in-laws knew I was struggling, and when I finally said we would be staying home on Christmas Day going forward, they immediately offered to come to us. That support mattered more than they probably realized.

If you are someone who expects everyone to come to your house every year for the holidays, I encourage you to pause and think about the newer parents who are just trying to survive the season. Ask them to bring something they can grab on the way, or better yet, just bring themselves. Let them know the invitation is open and optional. Offer to take the kids when they arrive so the parents can breathe for a minute. Or even better, offer to babysit on a random Saturday so they can get some things done, or just have a little me-time. Sometimes, that small bit of understanding is the greatest gift you can give.