I’d Like to File a Complaint with the Tooth Collection Dept Concerning our Tooth Fairy…

To Whom It May Concern:

Good morning. I'm writing today to inform you that our tooth collection agent, aka our Tooth Fairy, has been a no-show on several occasions when she has been scheduled to pick up my daughter's teeth. And she left my daughter hanging AGAIN last night when she left her tooth under her pillow.

You don't know what my little girl had to go through to get that tooth out. It bled and wiggled all through soccer practice. She could barely eat her pizza and ice cream and then she had to pull it out leaving bloody paper towels all over the bathroom. Needless to say, we are both traumatized. At 8:30 PM, she went to bed and placed her tooth in the specialized tooth bag, and left it under her pillow for pickup.

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Imagine her disappointment this morning when the tooth was still UNDER THE PILLOW. And this isn't the first time this has happened! I understand that children all over the world lose teeth and my child's tooth pickup request came in late last night but really, the tooth fairy only has ONE JOB - picking up teeth. How difficult would it be to schedule a stop in Southern Indiana to snag one tooth?

And while I have you, I'd also like to address the amount of money she's been leaving my daughter. At first, she received a five-dollar bill for her tooth with a customized note. But lately, her teeth have only been worth $1 each? And the note seems very standard - as if she has a boilerplate letter and then just signs it.

This money goes toward important things like snacks at football games and posters and slime at the book fair. It's important that she be fully compensated for these teeth.

I just really feel like this entire tooth fairy operation needs an overhaul. Late pickups. Low wages. Impersonal notes. I really should blame the management team for such low-quality customer service.

Might I suggest a better client management system and upgraded training for your employees? Also, I understand that it's hard to find good help but perhaps you should reconsider your compensation and benefits package, as well, to be able to attract the best talent.

Finally, a complete sweep of the Tooth Collection Dept should be conducted immediately and totally reevaluated for performance.

I'd be happy to come in and show you how to accomplish all of this. I'm a busy working mother who somehow seems to keep my entire family in line without missing a beat. If I was in charge, I can guarantee I'd never miss something as important as a child's tooth collection appointment.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

A Perfect Parent