5 Types of People You See at the Fall Festival!

The Fall Festival is the time of year when fried food and people watching come together like a dysfunctional marriage. Here are the 5 types of people you see at the Festival of Fall.

1. "Hot Topic" Enthusiasts

These people usually aren't spotted until after dark (because their pasty skin will burst into flames if exposed to even a photo of sunlight) and are easy to spot. They are decked out in head-to-toe black clothing consisting of:

• Irrelevant heavy metal band shirt (As I Lay Dying, Lamb of God, Cradle of Filth, etc),
• Chain wallet
• Pants that have enough straps, buckles, and pockets that you'd think they might be repelling later if they weren't in questionable shape

Also, if they are wearing a long, black trenchcoat in 90 degree heat: Run. They are the leader of that pack and will definitely fight you with moves learned from watching anime.

2. Dads Who Look Like Jake "the Snake" Roberts

I went down to the Fall Festival last night and embarrassed myself by asking several men for autographs after mistaking them for 80's wrestling legend Jake "the Snake" Roberts. Evansville might not be the fashion capital of the world, but we are the world's #1 source of majestic AF mullets. Jake Roberts is such a classic look that it was hard to go a block without seeing someone's father rocking this look. Props to the guys who go the extra mile by not wearing a shirt, smoking 84 cigarettes, and trying to DDT a carny for screwing him over at any of the games.

3. "Free Hug" People

Listen, I'm all about wrapping my arms around someone and embracing them deeply (and whispering things in their ear about how they remind me of my Grandfather), but the Free Hug people weird me out. I get that they just want to make the world more Hugadocious or whatever, but the people offering aren't usually people I'd want a free anything from.

This is not to discredit the practice of free hugs. If you have a booth and decide to give out free hugs, fantastic. I hope you hug many strangers. But when it's just a person walking around with a poster board and a white tank top, I think I'll pass. Stop stepping on the toes of legit Free Hug operations!

4: Political Warriors

It's an election year so naturally there are a lot of booths that support different candidates (Gluten-Free Democrats, Medieval Republicans, and that guy in a Gary Johnson shirt selling weed behind a dumpster). Most of these booths (and their supporters) are cool. But occasionally, you're going to run into someone wanting to talk shop about politics while you wait for your deep-fried horse hoof.

Fun Fact: No one has ever had their political views changed while eating a corn dog. The Political Warriors are armed with flyers and LOUD NOISES to try to get you to vote for their candidate. If you're feeling really adventurous, wear a t-shirt supporting a candidate and watch how Political Warriors come out of nowhere to argue with you! It's like Facebook, but in real life!

5. Teens with Babies

Definitely my favorite group to spot. And surprisingly, it keeps growing each year. Almost as if all that abstinence only education isn't working... But I digress! It's always refreshing to see that the Class of 2019 has a head-start on having a family. Sure, they may not have made the football team or cheerleading squad, but they did make a human person that they're legally responsible for during the next 18 years of their life.

You can normally spot the teens with babies pretty easily. They are distinguished by:

• Being a teen
• Having a baby
• The look of  "What have I done with my life?"
• The question "Can I take this baby on the Freak Out ride without being a bad parent?"

To be fair, I know that raising a child is hard. I get that. And I say all of this as a way to poke fun at a sometimes uncomfortable situation. And honestly, deep down inside, I'm jealous of all the Instagram likes you got after your baby was born during AP English.

Feel free to look for or encounter any of these people as you make your way through the Fall Festival this week! Did I miss any type of person? Comment below!