5 Awesome Tips To Be Super Cool in College

It's the first day of college for many teens in the area and they're probably already drunk off of Mike's Hard Sizzurp. If you're an awkward Freshman, stricken by the fear of not being cool, don't worry, let someone who regularly plays Dungeons & Dragons help you out!

1. Live at Home

Sure, all of your friends are living on campus and having the time of their lives, but not you. You're trying to save money by commuting to campus every morning and then returning to the comfort of your family every night! Look at you, saving all of that money in exchange for once-in-a-lifetime experiences!

"Mom, I'm home from being an adult!"

Forget growing as a person and experiencing new things on your own, you know the garage-door code by heart and by God you are going to use it! Also, the coolest thing you can do is casually tell your friends that you have to be home by 11 because your cat doesn't like to sleep alone.

2. Save Yourself for Marriage

Let everyone else have their crazy sex-parties and stories of second-base. You need to save yourself for marriage! Sure, it's pretty unrealistic to think that you'll be able to withhold all those downstairs feelings, but I believe in you! You'll be an icon on-campus. You'll walk into a room and everyone will say "Check out that virgin" and "Here comes Mr. No Sex!"

I was voted Mr. No Sex in 2009 and 2013

You will forever have their respect. Let everyone else swipe-right and arrange dirty-consensual and healthy sexual excursions. All you need is your ability to repress all your feelings because someone told you they were wrong!

3. Take All the Pills

Do you want Avicii to think you're cool? You don't need to be in Ibiza to take pills as college is basically just an overpriced CVS that delivers! Drug use is rampant on college campuses and you're going to want in on that. Sure, you brought your vape pen and can blow some gnarly smoke rings (even if your buddy just modded his machine with some sick something or other, you're still the king of visible moisture), but pills are where it's at!

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinn-MY ENTIRE ROOM IS A LAVA LAMP NOW

Unless you can tell people stories of how you dropped 8 Oxy and 17 Smarties mixed with X Gonna Give It To Ya, you aren't going to register as cool. You're young and your immune system is never going to be what it is now! Eat more pills than Pac-Man! Also, be sure to get a shirt with some form of a marijuana leaf and the words "LEGALIZE IT" written on it. You will be edgy and cool and treated as such.

4: Tell Everyone How Cool You Were in High School

If you want to be treated as cool, constantly telling people how cool you were in high school is the way to go. You had a letterman jacket, which you should probably never take off. Recount all the stories of how you use to haze the incoming freshman by insulting their sexuality or insinuating that they were different. Your dad owns a dealership which meant that you ruled the halls by having a car when you were 16.

"Yeah, the racing strip is custom. My dad worked on Tokyo Drift so he hooked me up."

Because you were cool in high school meant that you had a fake ID and you can't wait to score some brewskis with fellow freshman. Don't worry that some people can legally buy alcohol, all you need is that photo ID that shows someone older vaguely looking like you. The only downside is that, depending on what school you go to, there may not be any cheerleaders to constantly harass and recant the tale of winning the state championship for Population 250 High in Somewhere Irrelevant, Illinois.

5: Start a Relationship Immediately

"We met in the parking lot and just clicked, ya know?"

You don't have time to play the field! You need to find a relationship partner and latch on to that person during the first week. Then, it's smooth sailing from there. When all your friends are out getting to know different people (some might even associate with those with different socioeconomic backgrounds GASP), you found someone who lived on the second floor of your dorm and said "This is the person I want to be with forever and ever." You don't have to worry about who you're going to parties and functions with: you won't even be invited because couples make people uncomfortable! Netflix and Chill (but no sex because remember Tip #2) forever.

The only downside is that, while you will look super cool in college, the chances of your relationship falling apart immediately after graduation is a very real possibility. This will lead to such revelations as "I just wasted my dating prime" and "WHO IS THIS PERSON LAYING NEXT TO ME?!" Big shout-out to Craigslist for providing you with strangers to live with after you break up.

If you follow these 5 tips, you will be the coolest person on campus. Trust me, I would know. I'm very cool.

*This is satire. Don't actually take all the pills. I wish I didn't have to write this but ultimately someone will message me and ask if I meant what I wrote. I do not. Hugs.