The Realization that 2017 Gavin Kinda Sucked
Let's reflect back on the past 360-ish days.
Going into 2017, I wasn't necessarily convinced it was gonna be my year, but I was hopeful it would go better than 2016. That didn't happen, and it's completely my own fault.
It's weird to think how you can be two completely different people to certain groups of people. In 2017, this was basically me. To one group, I was a passionate writer and on-air personality who wasn't afraid to say what he thought. And to the other group, I was a polarizing a**hole who didn't know how the world worked. The real Gavin is somewhere in the middle.
While I did passionately write about what I believe in regards to politics, I'd often take an antagonistic approach in order to spark argument and increase the visibility of my writing. Did I need to write as many posts as a I did about whatever the President did that week? Probably not, but I was getting attention and that was all that mattered. And I'm not saying it was all a front, I do believe what I believe, but I also know how to the stir the pot.
The praise I got from that was nice whenever I'd post it on my own Facebook and get kudos from my friends. However, whenever I'd get any kind of negative reaction from someone I didn't know, I'd outright think that person was dumb and didn't get the genius that was Gavin. I'm not alone in thinking this way. We all like to have our opinions validated and any opposition to that leads many of us to disregard any contested points.The problem is that this wasn't just delegated to my writing, it's how I became in real life.
I spent so much of 2017 with this giant chip on my shoulder like I was underappreciated. That couldn't be further from the truth. I get constant positive reinforcement at work and from my friends. I'm genuinely liked by many people. Yet I spend so much time angry at the world. And when something good happens, I just prepare for it to go bad. I don't know why or when I became so cynical, but it can't be easy for those close to me who care.
Sometimes I'd post about drama just for the sake of drama. I used my position as a writer to grind axes and belittle others. That's not good nor is it professional. When Saraha (the anonymous message app) was big, I got so many messages about how angry and petty I was. It was a wake up call.
Relationships weren't the best for me in 2017. And a lot of that can be contributed to my cynicism. I've never had a great example of what a loving and healthy romantic relationship looks like (aside from my sister and her husband), and I use that as a crutch to stay detached in anything that might actually be good for me. I had a relationship end a few months ago. I don't really talk about it a lot. It was tough and I'm still dealing with it. The relationship had problems but one of the biggest issues was that I f***ing sucked as a boyfriend. I still have all this baggage from past relationships that I drag into anything new. Because those ended the way they did, I'm convinced whatever thing I'm starting will end that way too. I know that isn't true but my brain often works that way. I'm basically this song:
2017 wasn't a complete dumpster fire though. I did accomplish a lot of new things. I was in two plays which is something I never thought I'd do and I further advanced in my career. Those are positive things that did happen. I also made new friends and improved the relationships with existing ones.
My goal for 2018 is to leave 2017 Gavin behind and become less angry and a little more hopeful. It's not easy at this current moment, but I'm going to try to do better. I hope I can bring more joy to others in the new year. I need to learn to forgive and not hold grudges. I need to not be so quick to cut people out or write them off.
If you're still with me after 2017, I appreciate you. Let's make 2018 better.