Let's go on a journey of woe, motivation, and sauceless chicken nuggets.


I enjoy fast food, probably more than I should. But sometimes the service can be less than stellar. This blog is heavily inspired by my experiences at certain fast food restaurants around the Evansville area. And if you know me personally, you know that there is one in-particular location that is the bane of my existence. Because I don't want to upset them, they shall remain nameless, but they know who they are (or they probably don't because they serve hundreds of people a day and I'm not very memorable).

Anyway, instead of just getting all worked up (and getting into Petty Review territory), I've decided to put together a list of the top 5 things they can do to stop being the ****ing worst.

1. Stop Forgetting the Straw

Gavin Eddings
Gavin Eddings

Pictured above is how a drink should look when you get home. A straw should be inside the bag or handed to the customer. This doesn't seem to be that difficult of a task to complete, yet I still end up not getting a straw more times than not. There's nothing more disappointing than getting all the way home only to realize that I don't have a plastic tube to suck liquid through. Yeah, you can just pop the lid off and drink it like an adult, but the paper texture can be weird and other Gavin-specific reasons for why I don't want to do it. I'd say I keep drawing the short-straw in this deal, but that would require me to have a straw in the first place.

2. Don't Tell Me You're Out of Every Sauce Because You're Just Lazy

This is the one of the most mind-blowing incident that I encountered. I'm a big chicken nugget fan/. And as good as nuggets are, they're only as good as the sauce they are dipped in. On this particular evening (at the bane of my existence), I broke up a pow-wow of employees in the parking lot by being a human person who wanted food. After they angrily went inside, they took my order, and I picked up my food. I asked them for some honey mustard for my nuggets and their response was that they were out. Honey mustard is my favorite, but I can get down with some BBQ sauce. I asked for BBQ sauce and was again told they were out. Then the employee told me they were out of all the sauces. All of them. I asked a former employee of this chain if this was a common thing and they said "No, they have a ton of boxes." This means the great Sauce Drought of 2017 hit Evansville hard. Or they just didn't want to open a new box because they DGAF and wanted to go home.

Photo: Devy Masselink
Photo: Devy Masselink

After all, they've got drugs to do.

3. Don't Accuse Me of Not Ordering Something While I'm Holding the Receipt

This happened. This is probably the most frustrating thing because I pride myself on being a pretty honest person and wouldn't try to pull a fast one, especially when I am holding proof that I'm not trying to pull a fast one. Here is how this actual encounter went down:

*Checks bag*
*Notices they left out extra cheeseburger after waiting 15 mins as only person in drive-thru*

Me: Excuse me, I had another burger.
Employee: No, you only ordered the one.
Me: No, I ordered two.
Employee: I only charged you for one.
Me: You charged me for two.
*shows receipt*
Employee: Oh...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the employee tried to gaslight me. I did end up getting my other burger after I showed the proper documentation but I shouldn't have to go through an extensive vetting process for a $1.29 cheeseburger. This one frustrated me the most because I typically try to be non-confrontational but I will lose my s*** if you accuse me of trying to steal. I go from 0 to Mother of Dragons real fast.

Game of Thrones Season 4 Preview Ice and Fire Foreshadowing Dragons


4. Figure Out the Proper Napkin Ratio

Much like the straw paradox above, fast food restaurants simply can't figure out how few or how many napkins to give out. You either end up with a bunch of food and no napkins, or a small fry with enough napkins that makes even the Captain Planet villains feel bad for how many trees were wasted. I hate that they can't just figure it out. I shouldn't have to resort to wiping my face on my cat just because you couldn't remember to put the napkins in the bag or properly assess my napkin needs. However, I will say that there is a sub place that are so stingy with their napkins you'd think that civilization has fallen and napkins are our new currency.

Subway Spicy Italian Sub

"Yes, half a napkin will suffice for this party sub."

5. Act Like You Don't Completely Hate Me

I know that working in fast food probably isn't your end-game nor is it where you want to stay for very long, but most of the time, I just wanna get some food without getting all the shade thrown at me. I'm sorry if my existence is making life hard, but please to just serve me my food. This is a huge issue when it comes to drive-thru's. I don't know what it is about a drive-thru headset that makes people think they can just scream at you like a Mudvayne album, but it happens. I love nothing more than rolling up to the menu and being greeted with "WELCOME TO THE FACTORY OF SHOUTING! WHAT THE **** CAN I GET FOR YOU, YA BIG OL' PIECE OF ****! I then typically order after I dry off the pee that has pooled in my pants.


And I won't have enough napkins to mop it up

In conclusion, these five things can be easily fixed if you just try a little bit harder. Your goal as a restaurant should be to so good that the founder wants to haunt it because it's better than heaven. Make your business haunt worthy. And stop making my life terrible. Thanks!

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