5 Reasons Dating in Evansville is the WORST
As the temperature warms up, and love lingers in the air, Gavin gives some reasons why dating is the worst!
You might be thinking about starting a Spring or Summer romance, and while that might seem like a great idea, dating can be the absolute worst. While I could just make that blanket statement and we could all politely agree while hugging our cats and jars of frosting, I've decided to break down why dating in our fine city of Evansville is the worst.
1. We Run Out of Things to Do Super Fast
I know the obvious cliche of "There's nothing to do in this town!" seems like a given but it's not entirely wrong. Once you exhaust every miniature golf course, bowling alley, and movie date, what is left to do? Websites like Buzzfeed recommend doing things like "Go for a walk in the park" or "Go on a hike!" These are all great suggestions but they are typically aimed at big city folk. Yeah, I'm sure recommending a walk in the park in NYC is amazing considering they have Central Park and Derek Jeter's yard (the gate is usually unlocked). A lot of people recommend going for a walk by the river. And that's a great date, but you can only hang out by the river and wait to watch the bodies float in before it gets old.
"A floater! Make a wish!"
2. Do You Want to Date a Hipster or a Redneck?
Those are your options when trying to date in Evansville. Sure, some regular people exist, but those people were quickly grabbed like the Golden Snitch by other normies. I don't know when we decided as a city to split off into two very different teams but I'm assuming it happened sometime between the Daytona 500 and a truck filled with vinyl records wrecking in Evansville.
He'll take you home to meet sister-mom
Trying to pick which type to go out with is basically choosing whether you want to eat deer jerky or kale at a wedding. You're either going to end up with a dude with a lifted truck filled with Larry the Cable Guy CD's and a dip jar or a girl who wants to argue over whether her broccoli was raised in a progressive soil and who's really looking forward to all the drugs at Bonnaroo.
"I hope all this LSD helps me forget that I pooped on Skrillex!"
3. We Want Big City Dating with Small Town Settling Down.
This is one that I've encountered a lot, and honestly, am guilty of doing. After being in a relationship for so long, it's only natural to want to get out and explore your options (once you've finished watching Gilmore Girls for the ninth time and you're out of tears). I decided to start dating once I successfully checked all of my emotional baggage at the airport of my heart.
Pictured: All the sadness
Here's what I learned: We want to "find ourselves" and not be tied down but we also swoon at the idea of getting married and having a cornfield wedding (because Evansville). We envy everyone in their monogamous relationship while still maintaining a Star Fleet log of possible strange to acquire. I understand that in some cases you aren't a good match for someone, but it does get a little bit old feeling like a Mr. or Mrs. Fix-It and watching someone who you actually had a connection with choose someone else just because the option was there.
"Bye! I'm glad I could help you get over your ex!"
We see our parents and grandparents in these happy relationships and we want that, but we don't want to put the work in so we just play the dating version of Pokemon and try to catch em' all.
4. Enjoy Running Into Your Ex FOREVER!
Evansville is a big enough city that we warrant having a Toys 'R Us and 13 Starbucks, but small enough that everyone knows everyone and you can't go into a Walmart without feeling like you're at a Class of 2005 reunion.
Pictured: Everyone you've ever dated (including the blow-up doll. Spring Break was crazy)
This is especially difficult when it comes to dating. Evansville has some pretty great bars but there are only a few. If you met your ex at said bar (or frequented such bar), enjoy running into them for the rest of your life, especially since it seems like nobody ever moves away. You may have blocked them on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, MySpace, Friendster, Linked-In, and Google+ (just kidding, nobody uses that), but you can't block them from walking into your favorite alcohol factory with their new person to make you feel all of the feelings all over again. It's super awkward if you're both on a date and then you get into a "WHO CAN LOOK THE HAPPIEST WITH THIS PERSON THAT ISN'T THEM" contest.
"I swear I'm not dead inside! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH"
The only way to avoid this kind of thing happening is to avoid all of your favorite places and concede to them the places you use to enjoy, you know, like how wars end.
5. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A &%$#ING DATE IS!
This is the most frustrating of all of the things: We don't even know what counts as a date. I have gone out with certain girls multiple times and still had no idea where I stood with them in regards to dating. There is no easy way to bring it up and we are all so afraid of rejection in this "Everyone is a the most special snowflake of all of the snowflakes that have ever snowflaked" culture that we can't handle rejection.
I recently was on my third hangout with a girl (I call them "hangouts" because I'm trying to be the 2016 Fonzi and I had no idea what was happening) and finally just asked if we were friends or what was happening. She responded that yes, we were just friends. And that was fine. I'd rather know up front as opposed to getting invested in something that isn't going anywhere. The bigger issue is "What counts as a date?" I've had friends tell me they've slept with the same guy or girl 4 or 5 times only to say "I don't know if they like me or not."
"I mean, I've grabbed her boob and she touched my butt but are we just friends who grab on each other or..."
There is also the issue of when does a date end. I went out with a girl a few weeks ago, we went out to dinner and then went to an arcade afterwards. I took her home and asked if she wanted to hang out some more and she said she wanted to call it a night. I totally respected her for that. We had completed our activity and thus, the date was over. It left me wanting more and gave me a chance to actually miss an individual in a world where we are just a Snapchat away from seeing all of a person. I have no follow up to that story so if you were expecting me to say "AND THEN WE GOT MARRIED BECAUSE I RESPECTED HER SO MUCH FOR BEING TIRED AT 8:30PM," well, sorry to disappoint.
I'm sure there are many more reasons why dating in our city sucks but these are the 5 that stuck out to me the most. My intention isn't to be bitter about my current love life but to be able to embrace the terribleness of the dating process. Happy dating everyone!