Why We Need a Mr. Mac’s Mac and Cheese in Owensboro, Kentucky
Dear Mr. Mac,
My name is Chad Benefield and I am a morning show host on The Country Station, 92.5 WBKR in Owensboro, Kentucky. I am writing to you today on behalf of my listening audience and my co-host Angel, who's a really annoying, but incredibly fertile vegetarian, whose pelvis could supply you with endless customers. It is my fervent belief that, though you are essentially a New England-based company, that we, the perpetually hungry residents of Owensboro-Daviess County, would nestle you deep into our bosoms. We'd be happy to slip on a bib and slobber all up on you.
See, we love restaurants. We've got all kinds of 'em. At one point in time, we had the most restaurants per capita than any city in the United States. But, to quote Academy Award and Grammy-winning singer/actress Jennifer Hudson, " Where YOU at?"
Now, I'll admit it, but I don't want this to hurt your feelings. I need you to man up and be comfortable with this. I had never heard of you, Mr. Mac. Well, until recently.
See, I was tagged in a Facebook post about a new Greek restaurant opening in our area. A gentleman by the name of Jim Spiller commented and said, "You should get one of these." Jim, who clearly is a prophet sent from heaven, then included a link to YOUR website. And that's where I found you and fell in love with you, Mr. Mac. That's THE moment you became my internet hookup. That's when I got all Olivia Newton-John and became hopelessly devoted to you. I'm like that guy in that TV show, You. I'm obsessed.
After the chorus of angels stopped singing, the church bells quit ringing and my cleavages quit sweating, I instantly checked out your profile and started swiping through your pics- your Take N' Bakes, your Party Trays, your Signature Flavors. And then . . . THERE. THEY. WERE. Those nineteen Mac and Cheese Entrees that made my knees buckle and my loins tremble with a raging, almost unspeakable lust. I apologize that for that rather inappropriate Blanche Devereaux moment, but you, Sir, have charmed the dew right off this honeysuckle.
Those entrees- Classic All American (Mac & Cheese), the Pizza Mac, the Mozzarella Stick Mac, the Chicken Parmesan Mac, the Garden Veggie Mac (for the annoying vegetarian I mentioned earlier), the Chicken Scampi, the Shrimp Scampi and that New England classic- the Lobstah Mac. O.M.G.
Mr. Mac, I know our long-distance relationship has been a strictly online affair. I also concede that you actually just found out that we are in a relationship. I get it. I understand just how much of a romantic buzz kill geography can be. But I am ready to take our relationship to the next level. I think we should meet in person. And, I know we're moving quickly and this could be considered "too soon", but I really think that you should consider moving to Owensboro.
Look. I actually used to live in New England. I lived in Maine. And, Kentucky is a far cry (in many ways) from New Hampshire and Massachusetts. Sure. We talk real different down here, but you all don't say your "Rs". Ya'll don't have all our humidity up there, but we don't have those horseflies the size of charter planes. Your boats dock at Plymouth Rock. We've got Little Hurricane. See? We can make this work, Mr. Mac.
And, trust me. I know the people of this community and I can guarantee you . . . they will fall in love with you too. So, what do you say, Mr. Mac?
I am just a boy. Standing in front of a restaurant. Asking it to love me.