I look like a freaking Ewok! -Chad Benefield, 2021

And, by the way, in case you have forgotten what an Ewok looks like, here you go!!

Michael Buckner/Getty Images

See how friggin' furry his ears are?  Well, mine are suddenly getting that way too and I have had to start shaving them (thank you very much).  Every time I get ready for work now I feel like I am getting groomed to compete in the Non-Sporting Group at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

This is literally Father Time's version of cruel and unusual punishment.  It's bad enough that my hair is receding.  Seriously!  I feel like my bangs are prairie dogging.  One minute they're there.  The next they're not.  And, don't even get me started on how the top of my head looks.  Have you ever seen a true aerial view of the Grand Canyon?  That's what the top of my head looks like.  It looks like rivers have carved little canyons in my head. I'm surprised The Brady Bunch hasn't shown up for a donkey ride.

So, here's my question as I come to terms with the fact that my biological clock is set to Doomsday.  Why am I losing hair on top of my head, but it's growing everywhere else?.  I mean, have you seen my feet??  I look like a hobbit.  Bilbo Baggins and I go to the same pedicurist.  Maybe I should contact a real estate friend and see if they can find me a nice 2 bedroom, 2 bath house in the Shire.

My eyebrows are so thick these days, the publishers of the Farmer's Almanac have me on speed dial for weather predictions. You could literally Flowbee my face.

Oh, and get a load of this.  And, disclaimer, this may be WAY T.M.I., but if I didn't manscape multiple times a week, I would look like a really unfortunate Magna Doodle drawing.  Truly, if I were to undress, it would look like my mid-section had been attacked by a Portuguese Water Dog.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Plus, adding insult to injury, I get these random nose hairs that seem to  "Miracle Grow" overnight.  Earlier this week I sneezed and I'm pretty sure Rapunzel flew out my nose on a vine like Tarzan.

And then there are my ears.  WHY AM I GROWING HAIR ON AND OUT OF MY EARS?  If I was chewing something, I would look like an alpaca.

Chris Jackson/Getty Images

When I'm wet, I look straight up like a sea otter.

Why is this happening to me???

 

OH NO WE DIDN'T: 12 Photos That Prove That Alpacas Are Cuter Than Llamas