15 Phrases You Never Expect To Say as a Parent

It seems as though as parents, once the baby stage is over and our children become mobile we are constantly saying things we thought as parents we would never have to say. Maybe it's just that we don't think about it, or that we assume that there's no freaking way we would ever encounter a situation in which the phrases need saying, but somehow, we always end up saying things we never expected we would have to say as a parent. Following are 15 of those phrases in which we essentially say, STOP THAT!

1. “Do not wipe poop on the wall.”
It's pretty self-explanatory, one would think. However, if you're a four year old who thinks poop is hilarious, especially as paint, then it is not so self-explanatory.

2. “Get your hand out of your butt.”
Why do little kids feel the need to rest their hands right in their butt cracks? I am not sure, but this is something you will repeat more than once to a toddler.

3. “Do not eat that ____ (dirt, hair, food on the floor, dog food, LEGO, poop, and the list never ends).”
Little children love eating things they find at random, or eating things they know they aren't supposed to eat. You'll find yourself saying things like, “Please do not ever eat dog food again. It's for dogs only!”

4. “No, you cannot go home with that person you just met in line at the grocery store.”
Many kids have never met a stranger. One minute, you're checking out at the grocery store, the next minute your kid is introducing you to their new bestie. Then, of course, your kid wants to go to the new kid's house. You try to explain to your child that you don't know this new friend, or this new friend's parents. But it doesn't matter. They're down to leave with the new kid and their family without you. Then they'll get angry when you make them go home with you instead. Kids.

5. “You are not allowed to cut your hair.”
Put the scissors away. Lock them in a box, and hide that box on top of the refrigerator. Otherwise, you'll end up with a kid who has a brand new lopsided hair-do.

6. “Do you have poop in your diaper?”
Have you ever had a toddler lie to you about having poop in their diaper? It's quite a fascinating conversation, as they are adorable, convincing little liars. If they guiltlessly say there is no poop and then smile, there is definitely poop.

7. “You cannot ask people if they have a penis too.”
Yup, it happens. Kids figure out their own anatomy and want to know who else has the same parts that they do. Doesn't matter who it is, they'll ask them, too. Could be their dad, the mailman, their teachers, your boss...

8. “No, you cannot go to school naked.”
Kids have no shame. They were born naked, they are familiar with naked, and they have no problem with letting it all hang out, all of the time.

9. “Mommy is sorry she said that bad word. She won't do it again. Thank you.”
Mommy really isn't sorry that she screamed that bad word at the you-know-what that cut her off in traffic, but she has to pretend to be at a certain point in her child's life. Kids are taught that certain words are bad, so they don't repeat them. There's nothing quite like having your child's Christian preschool instructor keep you after class because your kid took the Lord's name in vain in an extra bad way.

10. “Do not chew on that.”
“That” can be anything in this scenario, including clothing, their own lips, straws, cups, pens, crayons, and even dog toys. Please child, stop chewing on THAT!

11. “You cannot pee anywhere except for in the toilet.”
This one is especially directed at boys. Once they start potty training, there's pee everywhere. There's pee on the floor, toilet seat, bath tub, bath rug, wall behind the toilet, living room floor, hallway, and anywhere else pee is not supposed to be. To pee or not to pee? 'Where?' Is the question.

12. “Because I said so.”
I promise you, that at some point in your life as a parent you will say these exact four words. It usually comes after a long discussion with a four year old who is a relentless, blabbing machine who insists that you are wrong and they are right and they want to know WHY you disagree. After explaining why about thirty times in three-hundred different ways, you use that phrase you despised when your parents used it on you. Sorry kids, it's just because we said so.

13. “Get your dirty underwear off of your head.”
Dirty drawers are not good for playing dress up, despite popular belief among toddlers and young children. Take the underpants off of your face, and keep them on your booty or throw them in the hamper.

14. “Do not dip your food in your drink.”
One child dips his pizza in his apple juice while the other child gags. Family dinner, it's the place to be.

15. “Do not bite your sibling.”
No matter how hard parents try, it just seems like this one always comes up. Do not bite other people, kids. You are not dogs, nor are you vampires. You're just being little toddler meanies. Stop the biting!

Categories: Children, What's New