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Tonka Movie May Be the Worst Film Idea Ever

Hasbro

Remember that infomercial from the early ’90′s where that woman with the shaved blond hair was peddling her weight loss plan and would always scream her catchphrase, “Stop the Insanity”? Can we hire her to hang out in movie company conference rooms?

The Hollywood Reporter…uh…reports that Sony Pictures Animation is partnering with Adam Sandler’s production company, Happy Madison Productions for an animated film based on Tonka™ Trucks.

That’s right, actual human beings, with functioning brains, are trying to figure out a way to make those miniature replicas of heavy construction equipment that I played with as a kid, and my son has played with as he’s grown up, the stars of their very own major motion picture.

This is not Tonka maker, Hasbro’s first foray into turning one of their products into a movie. Some have worked pretty well (Transformers, G.I. Joe), others…not so much (Battleship and, well, nough said).

This guaranteed piece of cinematic schlok is being written by Fred Wolf, a comedian who has written for Saturday Night Live, as well as the Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, and Kevin James film, Grown Ups. His credits also include Without a Paddle and Joe Dirt (which was actually pretty good, so I’ll let that slide).

So what could the plot be? Maybe it could center around an archaeological dig that accidentally unearths an alien civilization that’s have been lying dormant under Earth’s surface for thousands of years waiting for their moment to rise up and enslave the population, and the only way to stop them is to force them back into the cave from which they emerged and drop a nuclear bomb inside to eradicate them forever. But how do you prevent the bomb from spreading it’s radiation to innocent civilians in the area? You plug the cave opening with a huge boulder, and there’s only one group of heavy machinery that’s tough enough and possess the necessary skills to get the job done…TONKA!

It will need a name too. How about…

  • Tonka: Dig Deep
  • Tonka: Tale of the Tough Trucks
  • The Adventures of Tonka Tim and the Ballistic Bulldozers
  • Tonka: Heavy Lifting (sounds like a adult film starring plus-sized actors)
  • Tonka: Race to Boulder Cavern
The fate of one world is in her hands...literally. (flickr_jonny2love)

Hopefully someone associated with this project will come to their senses and realize that it’s a horrible idea. Chances are they won’t and this movie will be made, then followed up with the big screen adaptation of Bop-It™, the story of a world on the brink of annihilation that can only be stopped if one young girl with an extraordinary gift can push, pull, twist, and bop the kill switch code before time runs out.

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