Hey now, America's Got Talent fans...  Or Howard Stern fans who can't stand AGT! I watched last night's episode from Austin, TX and, as usual, I've compiled a list of the top 5 Howard Stern quotes.

After watching a group of pierced performers throw darts at each other, staple things to themselves, and break cinderblocks over their backs:

“Why don't I want a massage from you?"

While preparing to see a group of oddly-dressed body-contortionists, Howard pointed out the absurdity of what they have dedicated their lives to:

"We can't wait to see you contort."

There was a VERY large pole-dancer did a very disappointing and lardy quasi-strip show:

“You're a beautiful spirit.  You've got a beautiful soul.  You're a good sport...  But no."


Host Nick Cannon joined the obese woman on stage in a mock duct-tape bikini-top and worked the pole with her.  Howard commented on his form:


"Nick's got some physique!  What the hell is going on?!  He's an adonis!  I've got to work out!"


And finally, during a montage that featured some sort of jug band, Howard informed of us something that even I didn't know...  And I've been listening to his show for 16 years!

"I was in a jug band once when I was in fifth grade.  I played the jug...  I was really good!"


Thanks for reading, and I'll have 5 more Howard Stern quotes for you on Tuesday!