The Rob’s Teen Mom Catch Up Guide

Here’s everything you need to know about tonight’s big premiere on MTV!

Hey now!  It’s finally here!  We’re just a few short hours away from the premiere episode of the new season of Teen Mom!!  Not only that, tonight’s premiere features TWO EPISODES!!  The good news it features the return of the original cast of young women, the one viewers are probably most excited about and attached to.  The bad news is, however, that this is the FINAL season featuring America’s favorite teen floozies.  Any more time and our “teen moms” will be well into their 20s, and far more capable of raising children…  And that’s not fun to watch.

To reacquaint viewers with the cast and storylines from the first the seasons of “Teen Mom,” MTV has been airing the third season of the show ALL DAY!!  I know, it’s great!!  But if you weren’t able to catch it, or if you can’t plop yourself down on the couch and watch the show for 20 straight hours like I can, here’s a brief catch up for people unprepared for tonight’s premiere:

 MACI: Of all of the girls on all of the episodes of every “Teen Mom” and “16 & Pregnant,” Maci has to be the most publicly adored teen mom.  Her innocent girl-next-door beauty, sweet southern drawl, and parental prowess have certainly endeared her to viewers more than any other cast member.  Throw in the fact that her little boy Bently is easily the most adorable tot on the show (not to mention her undeniable eye-candy baby-daddy Ryan) and she’s that much easier to love.  Maci started her “Teen Mom” journey pregnant at 16 with Ryan’s baby (although there has been speculation in recent seasons as to whether or not Ryan is the father).  Claiming to be pregnant with the only man she had ever had sex with, Maci and Ryan got engaged and moved in together quickly.  Things went downhill quickly when Ryan didn’t want to change his partying ways, and so Teen Mom’s First Family broke up and went their separate ways.  Maci has moved on to former flame Kyle, who many people dislike, myself included.  It is rumored that Kyle is actually Bently’s father, and Kyle and Ryan don’t get along too well.  Maci and Ryan, while usually somewhat amicable, are currently battling out custody arrangements.  This season, it appears as if Ryan has a hot new girlfriend, whose bombshell looks may be somewhat intimidating to Maci.  I expect Ryan to play a bigger role in Maci’s life this season than the previous two.  I expect Maci to continue to make decisions with her heart rather than her brain and not graduate college.

 FARRAH: Farrah is usually the second most interesting personality on the show.  She’s certainly not a “good-guy” in the traditional sense of the word, girls usually watch Farrah’s drama unfold with their eyes rolled.  Maybe it’s because she’s a model with no stretch marks or really any real signs of childbirth.  Perhaps it’s because she never needed any time at all to revert back to her rock hard abs.  Or possibly it’s because she constantly comes off as a stone-cold b----!  Whatever combination of the three, Farrah’s explosive personality has gotten her into some intense battles, usually with her own mother.  In season 2, Farrah got into a fight so badly with her mom that her mom allegedly almost stabbed her with a steak-knife!  911 was called, and Farrah’s mom was taken to jail because she refused to put down the knife when officers demanded she did…  They even drew their weapons to her!  Reluctantly, Farrah pressed charges against her mother and got an order of protection.  While they weren’t able to see each other, Farrah’s mom set Farrah up in a house that she owned, and eventually the two became somewhat civil again while seeking counseling.  But the teasers for the upcoming season show that Farrah’s mean streak have returned, and that we can expect her to move to Florida, probably with baby Sofia, most likely to attend some sort of cooking school.

 AMBER: A fellow Hoosier from closer to Indianapolis, Amber is clearly the most reckless and disobedient of the initial batch of young parents.  Her violent attitude and short temper has reportedly landed her in jail on numerous occasions.  Some of the show’s most talked-about moments come from when Amber raises her fists to Gary with Baby Leah watching wide-eyed and crying.  Amber’s anger has landed Leah with her daddy, and that looks to still be the case from the teasers on MTV.  It also doesn’t look like she’s made much headway in her anger management either.  I’d expect her to still be the volatile yet entertaining brat she has been since the show started.  It looks like her relationship with Gary will still be front and center in her life.

 CATELYNN: Catelynn is easily my least favorite cast member in the history of the show.  Many people feel she has no place on the show since she gave her baby Carly up for adoption on her 16 & Pregnant episode years ago.  While I feel she made a responsible decision, I’m inclined to agree with those people because you don’t see her struggle with parenting like the other moms do.  I expect her life to continue to be a trashy mess, particularly with her mom and Butch and stepbrother/fiancée Tyler.

Which teen mom are you most excited to see return tonight?