The 10 Commandments of Jimtown!
If Jimtown had 10 Commandments, these are what they’d be!
Jimtown: The area in Evansville that everyone tries to avoid, and if they can’t avoid it, they are in a state of constant fear while passing through. It’s basically the Evansville equivalent of the elephant graveyard in The Lion King. Jimtown seems to play by it’s own set of rules and the inhabitants seem to not give a f*** what anyone thinks. “We Don’t Give a F***” is definitely written somewhere on the Jimtown Constitution.
Now, before any resident of Jimtown (tries to) read this (probably on a computer at Central Library) and think that I’m some outsider talking smack about your area, just know that I grew up on E Franklin St and have Jimtown blood running through my veins. Like Moses coming down from the mountain with The 10 Commandments, I’m coming down from the roof of Zesto’s with The 10 Commandments of Jimtown!
1. Thou Shalt Have Only a Moped or Child’s Bike as Transportation
Those DUIs finally added up and you’ve lost your license because you like the sweet taste of alcohol instead of driving a car. Luckily, you get to ride a moped aka the “Jimtown Steed.” Weave in and out of traffic with reckless abandon because hey, they can’t take away your non-license to scoot. If you can’t afford a moped, don’t worry, a child’s bike that’s clearly too small will also serve your need to almost die in traffic.
2. Thou Shalt Be An Aspiring Rapper
You turned on BET once and decided “Hell yeah, I can do that.” And thus, your path to stardom was started. Sure, your rhymes have the rhythm of a broken metronome in a garbage disposal, but you’re certain you’re going to make it. I mean, you have to, you already threw away all the belts to hold up your pants and spent an obscene amount of money on wife beaters and chains; it’s your destiny to be the first successful white-rapper (despite Eminem having existed for a while).
3. Thou Shalt Not Party in the Back Unless there is Business in the Front
The mullet: The haircut that says “I’m content being mocked forever.” Yes, Jimtown is full of mullets and the best part is, the mullet does not discriminate. Are you a man? Get a mullet. Are you a woman? Get a mullet. Are you a child who has no control over your own hairstyle? You’re getting a mullet. The Mullet doesn’t have to advertise because it’s getting free publicity 24/7, 365 in Jimtown.
4. Thou Shalt Not Take Trump’s Name in Vain
Whenever you hear some LibCuck Snowflake start talking about YOUR PRESIDENT, you best spit out that dip and start yelling “LOCK HER UP!” You’re proud of who you voted for and nothing is gonna change that, because anything negative is a bunch of FAKE NEWS! And besides, Trump is endorsed by Kid Rock. And Kid Rock is basically Trailer Park Jesus.
5. Thou Shalt Always Be from Out of Town and Need Money for Gas
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before:
“Yeah, hey, sorry to bother you, but right now, I’m coming to you as a man, I’m here from Louisville and my car just ran out of gas. I’m just trying to get to the nearest motel because my girlfriend is pregnant and we have our dog with us and we can’t get any help from places that typically help with these things because…reasons. We are just trying to get a few dollars to get some gas and maybe get something to eat and maybe a hotel room but definitely not trying to get drugs. We are exactly $5.48 short of hitting our goal, which has nothing to do with the current going rate for drugs. Can you help me out?”
Shakespeare wishes he could spin a tale that fantastic.
6. Thou Must Sport at Least One Neck Tattoo
Sure, you can get your buddy Dirty Gary to give you some fresh ink on your arm in his garage with his totally sanitary, hepatitis-free nail and battery tattoo gun, but why waste his talent? Show just how creative Dirty Gary can be by letting him violently stab your current girlfriend’s name into your neck. You love her, and Dirty Gary is her brother, you should be proud to show off that love on a highly visible part of your body. Besides, this way people can know exactly what they are getting into when they meet you!
7. Thou Shalt Use ER as Primary Care Physician
Who needs a family doctor when you can just go the ER? I mean, you could schedule an appointment with a physician, but there’s no guarantee you’ll be sick with case of “Got stabbed with screwdriver” on the day of the appointment. It’s just easier to visit the ER anytime something happens and deal with the court system when you don’t pay the enormous bill you racked up for existing.
8. Thou Shalt Not Steal (Unless it’s Meat from the Main St. IGA)
“You shall not steal.” – Exodus 20:15. That’s what God said unto Moses. However, if the Main St. IGA had been around back then, God would have definitely made an amendment that said “But hey, if you need some of that good meat, go ahead.” He’d also have made another clause stating you have to shove that meat down the front of your pants since that is how everyone tries to smuggle it out. And let me tell you, nothing sounds better than some warm meat that’s been fleeing next to your sweaty dong.
9. Thou Shalt Keep Dating in the Family
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Now, I’m not trying to be gross and suggest that you need to sleep with immediate family members. However, I am saying that why find a new girlfriend or boyfriend when you can just sleep with your siblings’ lover? Dating can be hard, but stealing away a blood-relative’s person can be very rewarding. For maximum effectiveness, be sure to have children with them after your sibling has just to make sure that the Thanksgiving shouting and stabbing match goes off without a hitch.
10: Thou Shalt Just Wing It When Making Meth
Armed only with your recorded VHS copies of Breaking Bad, you’ve decided that times are finally tough enough that meth production (not just using) is a viable retirement plan. You might stop and ask yourself, “Am I doing this right?” or “Am I going to explode?” Like all great scientists, you should just continue winging it and follow your heart (follow your heart because your brain is fried from all the meth). And just think, if your house does explode, you’ll probably make EvansvilleWatch, which is the Jimtown Hall of Fame!
There you have it, those are the 10 Commandments of Jimtown. I’d like to give a special thinks to Zach, Dan, Christin, Brian, and Gretchin for submitting to this list!
*Disclaimer: This post is intended for humor purposes only, especially the meth stuff. Seriously, don’t use or manufacture meth. It’s really bad for you and the police will arrest you. So yeah, meth bad. Also, don’t steal meat from IGA.*