No, I don't want to play Smash Bros with you.

Nintendo

Welcome to Gavin Hates Everything, a column where I share with you something that I truly, truly hate. Sometimes this means hating things that people love, like this weeks entry.

If you were a "90's Kid" (ONLY 90'S KIDS REMEMBER!), you'll probably remember this commercial:

Everyone was intrigued as to what this new Nintendo-theme fighting game was. Why were Mario and Pikachu punching each other? Why was Bowser not just setting everyone on fire and calling it a day? Thus, the phenomenon known as Super Smash Bros. was created.

My first time playing the game was at a friends house. We were there for a group sleepover and he popped the game into his N64. I was excited to play because he had 4 controllers so we'd all be able to play. Having 4 controllers in 1999 as a 12 old is the 2018 equivalent of owning 12 iPhones. Once I stopped imagining marrying him for his endless wealth, I was able to focus on my first taste of Super Smash Bros. And that first taste wasn't a good one.

I had enjoyed other fighting games like Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat, so why wasn't I enjoying this Nintendo themed brawl? Was it the awkward control scheme? Was it the controller? Was it because I decided it'd be fun to pick Luigi for my first game? Perhaps, but the real reason I wasn't enjoying the game: I was getting my ass properly kicked.

I learned that the only people who enjoy playing Super Smash Bros. are those that are already good at it and want to use you as a punching bag. Many of you might be screaming at your computers or getting ready to type "GET GOOD, N00B," and that's a valid point. But I've never felt the need to invest time and energy into a game that I wasn't particularly enjoying even BEFORE getting beat.

I don't like the ring-out system or how getting good at the game is just an exercise in who can mash the most buttons the fastest. The game doesn't need a deep combo system, but maybe mix it up a bit. The game wasn't super balanced back in the day either so if you had a friend that got good with Kirby, enjoy losing for the rest of the day.

I never really got the appeal of having the characters fight each other, especially once they started adding in non-Nintendo characters. I can suspend my disbelief only so much before some of these characters facing off seems irresponsible. I'm sorry, but there is no-way that Yoshi is going to be able to take Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. Snake has a rocket launcher and Yoshi has a tongue? That's not a fair fight.

Also, drafting some of these characters just seems cruel to fight in a war they want no part of. Take the recent character reveal of Isabelle from Animal Crossing.

Do we really expect sweet Isabelle to be able to defend herself in a fight? One of the other new characters is Simon Belmont from Castlevania. He's fought werewolves, zombie, and literal Dracula. His intro video is just a montage of him whipping people. We can't expect the same from Isabelle. She's going to get wrecked for no reason other than she's from a Nintendo game. If you have to include an Animal Crossing character, at least make it be Tom Nook. He at least deserves it.

I know that Super Smash Bros. is loved by most Nintendo fans and I'm probably a monster for not liking it. That's fine. You can go ahead and enjoy this game that I hate. But I'd rather live in a world where Nintendo character live in harmony and peace. I don't know why you would support them doing otherwise. Maybe you're the real monster...