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The Craziest Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read

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We are once again so very thankful that we went to a school where women with unshaven armpits actually believed they turned into enormous dragons at night, men would show up at the dining hall without pants on and fraternities and sororities were not allowed. Because those folks make Armpit Lady seem like an Ad Council poster child for normalcy.

For proof, here is an email from a Delta Gamma sister at the University of Maryland. Well, here are excerpts of the email — it is so laden with expletives and offensive statements, we aren’t going to show the whole thing. If that’s your cup of tea, you can find it here.

It begins charmingly enough:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f—— ride.

Then the author wastes no time getting down to business:

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F—— UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f—— AWKWARD and so f—— BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f—— find you on campus to do it myself.

A few complaints:

This also applies to you little s—- that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f—— retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events.

Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f—— awkward than 80 that are f—— f——.

The course of action?

Seriously. I swear to f—— God if I see anyone being a g—— b—- at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

And what insane tirade about party behavior would be complete without a charming sign off?

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f—. Go f— yourself.

We are so, SO thankful for No Pants Man right now.

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