Santa, Stop Stepping on Other Holidays

We’re only a week removed from Halloween and it seems we are already in full Christmas mode. This is not ok. I was shopping at the mall this week and this is the sight that I saw:

Santa, this is not OK. We get that Christmas is (supposedly) the most wonderful time of the year or whatever, but stop stepping on every other holiday just so you can position your fat, red self at the front of everyone’s mind.

Every year, you seem to come out earlier and earlier. Some stores have stuff up for you as early as August. This is only a month after the holiday of “Christmas in July” that shouldn’t exist. The only reason Christmas in July exists is so that everyone can be reminded that you are still out there watching and judging all of us to see if we are naughty or nice (and I know by writing this blog, I’ll probably be on the naughty list). First off, not cool. I don’t need to be judged by you. I already have parents, friends, and other relatives who judge me all year round; I don’t need an anonymous jolly man also judging me during the month of December (or whenever you decide to poke your head in on me).

I’m a huge fan of Halloween. It’s my favorite holiday because there isn’t any pressure on me. You get to dress up as someone else and scare people. That’s awesome. Christmas is all about “good will towards man” and “the joy of giving instead of receiving.” Those are great things to celebrate, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like you stepping on Halloween with your red pimp-suited self with this mantra when all I want to do is get some candy from Mrs. Klein down the street (I don’t care that she’s on a fixed income and sometimes yells at the neighbor kids; she gives out full-sized Three Musketeers’ bars which means she’s the best).

Also, as a large man, you clearly like to eat, so why are you trying to get everyone to forget about the 4 day eat-a-thon known as Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is awesome because you get to enjoy food, football, and hearing what your grandparents really think about President Obama after a few too many glasses of wine. Instead of listening to their ramblings and insights on Planned Parenthood, I have to hear about them getting ready for Black Friday and Christmas sales. That’s not cool. I understand putting up a Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving, but don’t make the lead-up to Thanksgiving about the day after.

In conclusion, Santa, I’m a big fan of yours, I just don’t like the way you are trying to do everything and force your way into stuff. The day after Thanksgiving until December 25^th is your time to shine, but not before. If you don’t oblige by my request, I’m not above hiring the Easter Bunny to take you out.