On Monday I turned 40 years old. An age that for whatever reason is widely regarded as the beginning of a downward slide to the grave. Truth be told, I don't feel any different today than I did on Sunday when I was still in my 30's, but if I'm going to truly embrace the start of my death spiral, I guess I should start with a Mid-Life Crisis.

According to the most recent data, the average life expectancy of a white male such as myself is 78.8 years, which means I should have started my crisis a year ago. Regardless, I do have a few options when it comes to trying to calm the panic that comes with the realization that my life is half over.

Buy a Sports Car

133910106
Anzor Mizaushev
loading...

What better way to stay hip and youthful than with a sleek sports car that tops out at 200 miles per hour? Ironically, pushing this thing to its limits on the Lloyd Expressway could mean my mid-life crisis should have taken place at 20 or 21.

Verdict: PASS

Buy a Motorcycle

Vintage motorcycle front view
manuahi
loading...

Has anyone ever said, "Look at that old guy riding a motorcycle."? No. They say, "Check out that biker dude, he's the coolest!" (Or "savage", "lit", "100", or whatever they kids say these days). There is a certain appeal to a motorcycle. Just you and the road, the wind in your face, and taking in the beautiful countryside the good ol' U-S-of-A has to offer. There's also the whole danger factor knowing at anytime a piece of loose gravel could cause the bike to lay down and skid across the pavement that adds an adrenaline rush I'm not sure my old heart could handle.

Verdict: PASS

Quit My Job and Start a New Career

Man covering his face in office
David De Lossy
loading...

I've worked in radio nearly half my life. Other than a few random jobs in my teens, this is the only career I've known. It would be easy to use the mid-point of my life cycle as an excuse to tell the boss I'm done, and branch out into something completely different, like a Holistic Medicine-slash-burger restaurant. Fortunately, this job requires very little, if any, heavy lifting, or physical labor in general, so it's not like I'm breaking my back day in and day out. No, this job presents its own unique challenges, and allows me to really stretch my creative muscles, so I'll stay as long as they'll have me.

Verdict: PASS

Get in Better Shape

Weight Training Equipment
Yobro10
loading...

It's no secret the body starts losing strength the older it gets. Things start to sag, and opening a jar of pickles becomes more difficult. But weights are heavy, and running makes me tired and sore.

Verdict: PASS

Get a Trophy Wife

2014 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - Runway
(Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)
loading...

I can certainly understand how some men see a young, beautiful woman half their age and think that youthfulness, beauty, and energy may revitalize what's left of their days on this planet, or put a little bounce in their step, but it seems to me keeping up with these fine young ladies is more hassle than it's worth. I am fortunate to have married outside my league to a beautiful woman, so I'm good here. Plus, the thought of dating again is nauseating.

Verdict: PASS


Luckily, I have it really good in all aspects of my life. I have a good job, a great family, and I'm (relatively) in good health. However, if they day comes when the sound of the Grim Reaper's footsteps start to get louder, throwing me into a "Oh God, what have I done with my life?" panic, at least I know I have a few options.birthd

 

More From WDKS-FM