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New Year’s Resolutions I’m Guarenteed to Keep – Ryan’s List [HUMOR]

Weight Lifting Lego Man
SPOLIER ALERT! This is not on the list. (flickr, pasukaru76)

Just like R. Kelly doesn’t usually break of a little preview of the remix, I don’t usually make resolutions because I realized some time ago, that it’s nothing more than an effort in futility. Then I realized why I had such a hard time sticking to them — they were too hard. So this year I decided to try some easier, more obtainable resolutions and gradually work into more difficult one’s some other time. Baby steps people, baby steps.

Without further adieu, let be known that in year 2013, I, Ryan O’Bryan, resolve to do the following:

  • I will only hit snooze once when the alarm goes off in the morning, unless I stayed up too late the night before playing video games. In that case I will hit snooze twice, or perhaps three times.
  • Instead of ordering a 16 ounce steak at dinner, I will scale back and order a 12 ounce.
  • I will wear a sock hat when it’s cold outside regardless of how ridiculous my hair may look upon removal of said sock hat.
  • I will continue to eat pretty much whatever I want, until a doctor tells me that I continuing to do so may kill me.
  • I will be more patient with my kids, unless they do something I’ve repeatedly told them not to do. In that event, I am clear to “flip my lid”.
  • I will continue to boycott “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, and anything that begins with “The Real Housewives of…”
  • I will only use Facebook status updates as a means to tell or share a joke and not as a method to spout my political beliefs. (Full disclosure, I’ve been doing this one for a while now).
  • I will continue to brush my teeth when I wake up AND before bed, unless I fall asleep on the couch and wake up at 2AM. In that case I will take myself straight to bed.
  • I will put my pants on one leg at a time.
  • I will wear t-shirts and jeans, because that’s what I’m comfortable in.
  • I will think about starting to work out.
  • I will work the word ”Kumquat” into as many conversations as possible because it sounds dirty.
  • I will break my current high score of 12-under on 18 holes of Wii Sports Resort Golf.
  • I will drive just enough over the speed limit not to get caught.
  • I will realize I left my cell phone at home as soon as I get to work.
  • I will consider rock and rolling all night and partying every day, then realize it sounds like too much work, and just watch TV.
  • I will drink a beer or four when the mood strikes me.
  • I will not go “Gangnam Style”

I realize it’s probably more resolutions than most normal people make, but I’m an overachiever.

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