I've been a member of a gym for a month now which makes me an expert on all things gym related. It can be intimidating the first few times you go to the gym, after all, you want to fit in. With these five tips, you'll be a gym rat in no time.

Tip 1: Always Be Screaming

Many people forget that the best way to build muscles is through the act of constantly screaming. If you walk into your gym and you don't hear the wailing of the other members, this gym is not for you. No matter what activity you are doing at the gym, make sure your mouth is constantly screeching like a banshee or a cat that is in heat. If you are running on a treadmill, feel free to scream things like "YOU AREN'T GOING TO GET ME!" or the ever popular "LOOK HOW FAST I'M GOING! I'M VERY SERIOUS ABOUT MY FITNESS!" When you break to get water, this does NOT mean a break from screaming. You must loudly proclaim how much you love water and that water is the fuel that keeps you going.

Tip 2: Always Be Sweaty/Moist

If you aren't constantly dripping sweat like you are in the 4th quarter of an NBA game, no one is going to take you serious. There is nothing worse than watching a bone-dry individual lifting weights while everyone around them is a fountain of sweat and brawn. You can pity this individual or you can politely let them borrow some of your sweat. Allow them to wipe their dry body all over yours as not only a courtesy, but as a way to motivate them so they can one day repay the favor to some other unfortunate individual. The act of letting one borrow sweat is known as Wetness Respect in the gym community (be sure to write that down).

Tip 3: Throw Weights Wherever You Want When Finished

You just got done doing 7,000 reps with a 50lbs barbell but are confused with what to do with it? The answer is simple: throw that crap wherever you want! Didn't you notice when you walked in that weights were everywhere? Weren't you confused as to why the ab machine was lodged on the treadmill? That's because people at the gym respect you more when you complete a set of reps and then hurl your weights in every direction. You also get more cardio out of tracking down where every weight landed and the gym will promote you to detective of weight recovery in no time!

Tip 4: Hold Hands with the Person On the Treadmill Next to You

The one thing I hate most about going to the gym is when people don't hold my hand on the treadmill. Are they expecting me to work out alone? I'm not going to be able to run my 8 miles in 12 minutes unless I have the constant support of the person who's hand I'm holding. If you find yourself in a full row of people running on the treadmills, everyone is legally obligated to form a chain of hand-holding while screaming (did you forget tip 1 already?) an Our Father. If someone manages to fall down while running on the treadmill and holding your hand, let them go. Upon hitting the ground, they will be banished from the gym through a series of spells that only an 8th level personal trainer can cast.

Tip 5: Leave the Gym Naked

This is the biggest rule that cannot be broken. After a long workout of hand-holding, screaming, and constantly being covered in sweat, it is time to hose off with a nice hot shower. Upon completing your show, do not put your clothes back on. You are to simply walk out of the gym naked. This acts as a way to show off all of the work you've been putting into your body. What's the point of throwing all those weights if you aren't going to show off your toned body to the members of your gym and anyone else who may be minding their own business outside? If you are worried about getting arrested for public indecency, don't worry: the police are obligated to compliment your hard work or they are put in jail so let it fly!

Hopefully these tips put at ease any anxiety you may had before going to the gym! Good luck and don't forget to scream!