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Ryan O’Bryan’s Five Things to Expect During ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ [LIST]

Somewhere between the release of The Avengers and Men in Black III, the movie What to Expect When You’re Expecting was released to theaters. A movie I have no intention of ever seeing because I’m pretty sure I already know exactly what happens.

From what I can tell by watching the trailer, the movie is based on the best selling book of the same name. A book someone had given my wife and I shortly after we found out our son was on the way back in ’04. I’ll give the book credit, it does cover damn near every aspect of what takes place during pregnancy, and provides answers to questions like, “I was a heavy cocaine user when I found out I was pregnant, will this do any arm to my baby?” (seriously!), along with what’s in store for both mom and dad during the first year of the child’s life. I’ll admit, I referenced it constantly, even if my wife didn’t ask me to.

The movie on the other hand will do nothing more than make you think you could have used the hour and 50 minutes it took to watch it on something more productive…like watching paint dry or taking a nap.

In the event that you show better judgement the door and decide to go see the movie anyway, here are five things I “expect” you’ll see. Keep in mind, I have not seen the film, nor do have any intention of doing so, this list is based solely off what I’ve seen in the trailer.

#1 Raging female Hormones

flickr, M. Pratter

One minute they’re overwhelmed with joy…and crying, the next they’re wishing death upon their baby daddy…and crying. This stereotypical, stop-on-a-dime, 180-degree turn of emotion will be a recurring theme throughout the movie.

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#2 Violence Against men

flickr, diongillard

Mark my words, at some point an expectant mother will either threaten or actually commit an act of violence against the father of her child for getting her into this whole mess. NEWS FLASH! Creating another human being is two person gig last time I checked, so unless you’re part sea anemone on your fathers side capable of asexual reproduction through mitosis (thanks About.com Biology!), there’s equal parts of blame to go around.

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# 3 Life with Children is Miserable

flickr, kona99

I won’t say that everyone loves their kids, but I will say that a solid majority do (myself included). I will also say that you can expect to see moments in this movie that reflect the good times parents and children can have together, the joy of a child’s first word or seeing them take their first step, but those moments will be greatly overshadowed by all the things kids do that make life a living hell. Sleepless nights, refusal to eat, never wanting to stop eating, ear-piercing tantrums even though they just woke up from a nap, have a full belly, and are sitting in nice clean diaper. Why focus so much on the bad? Because talking about how adorable your children are and how much you love them isn’t funny. Plus, misery loves company.

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#4 Clueless Baby Daddies

YouTube

Men…they’re so stupid. If we didn’t have the other piece of equipment vital in the creation of a baby, there would be no use for us, am I right ladies? At some point in this movie, probably several times, a dad will have no idea how to deal with his rambunctious child, or he’ll be completely irresponsible and let the kid play with matches, OR he’ll put a diaper on it’s head and try to feed it through it’s backside. Whatever the case, there will be repeated references to man’s perceived ineptitude when it comes to raising a child.

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# 5 Terrible Acting From Cameron Diaz

Jason Kempin/Getty Images

How she continues to get work is beyond me. I’ve seen more emotion from a wet rag laying in the bathtub. I’m sure she’s a lovely girl, but her ditzy Valley Girl schtick does nothing for me. If there were some glimmer of hope that I would see this movie, the fact that she’s in it kills it.

Now where’s the line start for Avengers tickets?

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