Dear Mercury: Quit Being a Retrograde Jerk

Feeling weird the past couple of days? Blame Mercury!

Mercury is being super needy again and letting us all know it's going through some stuff by being in retrograde. If you don't know what Mercury being in retrograde means, let me school you with some stuff I'm copying and pasting from Google!

According to scholarly site Urban Dictionary, here is some knowledge:

A three week period in which the planet Mercury appears to be in backwards motion. During this time human beings experience many adverse effects, such as memory loss, loss of time, loss of items, loss of virginity, loss of common sense. As for technology many unexpected glitches occur during this time, such as software crashes and emails getting lost.

"I also leave the toilet seat up!"

So yeah, basically, planetary s*** be cray. Mercury is being a huge a-hole by deleting your emails and taking your common sense along with your virginity. That's what happened to me. It was back in 2008. My (ex)girlfriend and I were looking up at the sky and she leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "Mercury is in retrograde." It was at that moment I realized I was no longer a virgin. Thanks for the cuddles, Mercury.

The nudes were excessive though

Mercury being in retrograde is the worst. I wish the other, more cool planets would go retrograde AF. Let Saturn get in on the action. Maybe then I'll finally be able to fly or have the ability to not overcook Bagel Bites in the microwave. But nope, instead Mercury has to be an emo planet and need all the attention causing me to be a jerk to everyone around me.

I TRIED TO BE PERFECT IT JUST WASN'T WORTH IT!

We just have to survive all of this until the first part of January and then our lives will go back to being perfect. Before Mercury went into retrograde, I was a high-ranking Wall Street big shot. Then, Mercury decided to moonwalk (PLANET PUN!) and I woke up as a radio DJ. I take that back, your lives will go back to being perfect. I'm not so sure about mine because my Tarot cards said I'm in for a rough year.

 Reading: You ain't getting a bubble butt this year either