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Beyonce Loses Blue Ivy to Grisora the Witch

Grisora, Beyonce, Blue Ivy
TheOnion.com

Unlike other Beyonce/Jay-Z/Blue Ivy conspiracy theories, this one is supposed to be silly. The Onion posted a video today with a possible explanation as to why Blue’s birth was under such high security: Years ago, Beyonce promised her first born in exchange for fame.

A faux-entertainment magazine show reports that Queen Bey sold her soul for perfect singing voice, calling the speculation ”totally legit.” What exactly went down in the ‘Fractured Fairy Tale’ style story?

Apparently, a young Beyonce met Grisora in the woods while gathering berries. Grisora told Beyonce that she would sing with “the unmatched beauty of a thousand nightingales” in exchange for her first born. Sounds serious enough to reveal to Mr. Carter at some point, right?

Not so fast. Bey kept it on the low because she thought the witch wouldn’t remember the deal so many years down the road. However, Grisora has been keeping tabs on the ‘Countdown’ singer (even appearing onstage with Destiny’s Child) and keeping a countdown of her own — each day until Blue Ivy was born. Grisora was present in the hospital, ready to snatch the newborn ‘Glory’ inspiring Blue.

Jay-Z offered Grisora a room full of gold in order to keep Blue, but she declined, preferring to adhere to the original plan. It’s unclear how hip-hop’s golden couple will proceed. The “correspondents” lamented over their situation, taking potshots at Jennifer Aniston and Christina Ricci for their respective youthful skin and weight loss — and how they attained each.

The clip is hilarious and has to be seen to be (dis)believed. What may make it even funnier is that it’s still more believable than some of the “legitimate” rumors surrounding the tot.

Watch Grisora the Witch Snatch Blue Ivy From Beyonce

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