One of the perks of working in radio is that you get to go to concerts for free most of the time. Last night, I got to check out the Five Finger Death Punch and Shinedown at the Ford Center. Back in March, I got to see Coheed and Cambria in Nashville. After attending these concerts, along with countless others in my past, I've decided that there are really only 5 types of people who attend concerts. Below, I have categorized them the best that I can.

1. The Photographer

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I've got to capture every moment of the thing I should be watching

Back before smartphones, any type of recording at a concert was strictly prohibited. It was rare that anyone could make this happen anyway considering cameras were the size of a queen-sized mattress. With the rise of smartphones, recording a concert has never been easier. I understand you want to capture your favorite songs on film, but do you have to record the entire thing? Are you making a Ken Burns documentary of P.O.D's cultural relevance on May 3rd, 2016? Snapchat one or two songs and be done with it. I don't want to watch the concert through your phone while you get texts from your mom asking when you're going to get home and stop being such a disappointment.

2. The Fighter

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"It's not my fault Taylor Swift hasn't played anything off the Red album yet!"

This is the guy who I encounter the most at concerts. The type of music I typically enjoy can be described as "Yeah, I'm still mad about my parents divorce and about that girl who left me 12 years ago." Because of this, the type of people who attend these angry concerts are, well, super angry guys who have no idea how to healthily deal with their feelings. These people are looking for any reason to fight. They are typically the ones who try to force their way through the crowd to get to the front despite the fact that you are currently occupying that space. If you try to tell this person no, they will tell you how much MMA they do and how they wouldn't even break a sweat destroying you. You can normally outsmart them by simply moving to the side and letting them pass. This is because you graduated high school and have things to live for.

3. "I Can Make it through this Crowd with Beer" Guy

<> at Olympia London on August 12, 2015 in London, England.
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"Coming through! Make way! JENGA! JEEEENNNNGAAAA!"

I. Hate. This. Guy. During three separate occasions at last night's show, I had some guy trying to maneuver through a sea of people while holding two full, open cups of beer above his head. Nothing quite like the feeling of interacting with a beer-sprinkler. By the way, if you bump this person, causing them to spill any of their beer, they will accuse you of doing it on purpose and asking you to buy them more. I assume this person also plays Operation with a fork and then flips out when he hits the sides.

4. "This is the Perfect Time to Get It On" People

Mario Tama
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Intermission at a Coldplay concert

There is no greater feeling than taking your lover out for a night on the town, having a nice dinner, and then violently grinding your junk against their junk while Shinedown plays "Simple Man." If that example seems oddly specific, that's because it happened. And yeah, I watched, I'm lonely. Don't judge me. Judging is my job! But yeah, there is always going to be that couple that thinks a concert floor, with its puddles of beer and overpriced t-shirts, is the perfect place to consummate a relationship. Fun Fact: It's not! Also, if you get pregnant at a concert I'm 100% sure the band has to raise your baby.

5. The Politely Nod and Enjoy the Concert People

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I paid money to enjoy this thing. I think I'll enjoy this thing.

This is the category that I fall into because I'm not a barbarian. You can normally spot these people sprinkled throughout the crowd, arms folded at their chest to avoid making bodily contact with anyone else, enjoying the music they paid to see. They might lean over to someone next to them and comment that "This sounds just like the album," and "Do I still have my wallet?" These people don't want any trouble, and if they encountered any of the other people on the list, they'd swiftly move to another section of the concert. They might also joke with people next to them about how everyone else is crazy. Normal people form a special bond at concerts that can last a lifetime...or at least the 3ish hours that a concert normally lasts.

Are there any types that I missed? Feel free to comment below!

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