10 MORE Commandments of Jimtown!
Because Jimtown can't be contained to just 10 Commandments!
A few weeks ago, I decided to do the 10 Commandments of Jimtown. This was very well received and I appreciate everyone reading. However, one of the biggest critiques was that I left out a few things that make Jimtown so Jimtown. And you know what? They were right. While the first 10 things were a good starting place, I had to go deeper. I needed to share more commandments. Without further ado, let's get to it!
1. Thou Shalt Wear Pajama Pants Everywhere
I know that the struggle to get out of bed can be tough, especially if you've been up all night yelling at your kids or significant other. Just getting out of bed should be enough to get you a Jimtown Gold Medal, we shouldn't push you to actually change clothes. Just roll out of bed and go about your day wearing whatever fleece pajama pants you happened to fall asleep in. Pajama pants are perfect for going to the grocery store, getting gas, or trying to get your kids back in the courtroom. Nothing says "I love my kids" more than showing up in pants with Minions on them. Your kids love Minions, and apparently, so do you.
2. Thou Shalt Use Plasma Center as ATM
You've got a big weekend planned but you're short on cash and your SSD check isn't showing up for a few days. What is a Jimtownian supposed to do? Well, hit up one of Evansville's fine Plasma Centers. You can make an extra $75 a week just by donating plasma! And you're actually doing some good by helping people with transfusions. However, why stop there? You've got a couple of alias' so why not try to donate more than is allowed? If you play this right, you can probably score upwards of $300 and rid yourself of that pesky plasma that's helping keep you alive!
3. Thou Shalt Not Have More than 3 of the 4 Hubcaps on Thine Vehicle at any Given Time
Four matching hubcaps is a disgusting display of wealth; you only need three of those bad boys, if even that many. You get so much more street cred by explaining that "My cousin Ricky and I were racing to Variety Village and I took the corner too sharp which caused my hubcap to fly off and I really wanted to beat him so I didn't have time to go back," anytime someone asks where the **** your hubcap is. If you see a car in Jimtown with no hubcaps, bow down, because you are in the presence of a king.
4. Inside Furniture Belongs On Thine Porch
"It's the summertime, and the weather is fine" which means it's time to spend more time outdoors. More specifically, it's time to sit on your 30 year old couch that has migrated to your front porch. How'd it get there, nobody knows, but you know that ol' reliable sofa really absorbs your butt-sweat and really ties the porch together. If you want to go the extra mile, make sure your front yard has a stove in it to serve as an accent piece and a conversation starter.
5. Thou Shalt Think Vaccinations are Unsafe but Getting Pills from a Neighbor is Fine
You heard that that Playboy playmate from the 90's doesn't like vaccinations because it might make your kid a bit different, and a Playboy Playmate wouldn't lie to you about such important medical matters. It's best to not treat them and not put them at risk while simultaneously putting them at risk! That's just what doctors try to do, tryin' make your kids sick with the weirdness or whatever. That's why you buy all of your pills from your neighbor, Ted. Ted has a pretty good supplier out of New Mexico and it's just cheaper. Besides, Ted often samples what he sells in front of you so you know it's safe!
6. Thou Shalt Worship at Thy Zesto and Big Top
I don't really have a joke for this. Zesto and Big Top just make a damn fine hamburger. You should eat one.
7. Thou Shalt Walk Down the Street While Talking to Thyself
If you've never walked down the street talking to yourself, are you even from Jimtown? Let everyone in on the conversation you might be having in your mind or with whatever apparition you think is currently following you. We don't need the context to why you are screaming about the police while pulling your hair nor do we need to know why you are arguing with that bus bench. But don't worry, we believe you when you say it started it.
8. Thou Shalt Keep Money in Bra, Regardless of Weather
Everyone loves that hot and sweaty titty money. You gotta keep it close to your heart because, if you don't, you'll just have people trying to steal from you non-stop. Boob money spends no matter what the weather is. Is it cold outside? Boob money. Hot outside? Wet Boob Money? Is it raining? Super Wet Boob Money! When inventing our currency, our Founding Father's said "I hope that one day women cling this currency to their bosoms and then use bosom money to buy cigarettes." You are making them proud, Jimtown lasses.
9. Thou Shalt Never Be More than 3 Paces Away from Thine Polar Pop.
The 32oz Polar Pop aka the "Jimtown Chalice," is a staple of the Jimtown community. To abandon one's Polar Pop is to dishonor the right to have one. For only around $1, you can get enough liquid in a Styrofoam cup to last you throughout the day and fast-track your way to diabetes. The white Styrofoam also doubles as a way to conceal any alcohol you may need to get through your day of hanging out on the Fulton exit asking cars for change.
10. Thou Shalt Start a Fight, but Never End One.
You are all worked up about something and decide that it is time to solve it with some violence! You start circling the man, woman, or child you've decided to fight and it's about to go down. You've already taken off your chain, shirt, and your shoes because you've seen Fight Club and some Chuck Liddell UFC Fights so you know to have honor. As you get ready to throw that first strike, everything goes dark. You wake up minutes later only to realize you got punched in the face because you decided to start a fight with a man, woman, or child bigger than you and got knocked the **** out. Instead of learning from this, you'll pick another fight to compensate for the fight you just lost, only to suffer the same result because you weigh 105 lbs.
And there it is. 10 More Commandments of Jimtown. I appreciate everyone who contributed to this list including my friends Travis, Drew, Zach, and Danny. And again, this is just for fun. I'm not trying to offend anyone. I grew up in Jimtown so it's nice to look back at some of the crazy crap I encountered growing up. Again, thanks for reading!