10 Devastating Ways You Abruptly Realize That You’re Old
As a person in my twenties (barely), I never thought I would be thought of as a prematurely old person by others or by myself. Yet, that time has arrived. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly a nice transitional realization, but more of a kick to the face type of epiphany. So in the spirit of finding my inner elderly woman, here are 10 devastating ways you abruptly learn that you're frickin' old:
1) A bathroom trip cannot wait.
If I say that I have to use the restroom, I mean right this very second. Even if I were to only have to wait five minutes there's a good chance I could end up messing my pants. It's not a pretty picture, but it's a reality for many of us. Thanks to my fat headed children, I now have permanent nerve damage in my bladder and have a hard time realizing when I need to go until the time is right now. Oh, the joy of bodily functions.
2) You don't get carded anymore.
The first time this happened to me, I was taken aback. If someone appears under the age of 40, a cashier is supposed to check their IDs for a birthdate to confirm that they're old enough to buy the 18+ or 21+ item they wish to purchase. I'm not sure if the cashier lady just wasn't giving a crap that day and wasn't checking IDs or what, but the first time I wasn't carded to buy alcohol in my mid-twenties was a shock to my ego.
3) You get upset that you have to hang your bras somewhere other than a doorknob.
Men probably don't know what I'm talking about unless they live with a woman who does this but women generally hang their bras on things rather than putting them in a drawer. It's just easier that way. So when company comes over and I have to move my bra from the doorknob, bedpost, or couch arm it's hanging on to a drawer, I get a little annoyed.
4) Social media starts marketing old people products to you.
Vaginal hydration creams: have you heard of them? I hadn't until Facebook alerted me in my timeline that I may want to consider purchasing a vaginal hydration cream to keep me moist and youthful. Who knew that one would want a youthful vagina?
5) You like old person candies.
When the candy you used to love becomes too sweet you start to gravitate to things like Pay Days, Werther's, Red Hots, and Peppermints. Before long, you begin to realize that instead of grabbing a Twix bar you're opting for the Pay Day instead. I actually now find myself getting excited when I see Werther's Originals on sale.
6) You find things funny now that you wouldn't have in the past.
Things that are funny to you now would not have been funny to you as a teenager. For instance, my husband decided to attempt to jump, with both feet at the same time, into his underwear. We even made bets on if he could do it or not, and this became the highlight of my night. Needless to say, he failed hilariously. This type of thing young people would not find amusing. Actually, they might find it mildly horrifying.
7) Sleeping in means staying in bed until 8 a.m.
I've learned as an adult that sleep doesn't come as easily or as quickly as it once did in my youth. When I was in my teens and early twenties I could sleep anytime, anyplace. It didn't matter if it was loud or I was sitting up, I could sleep. Now it takes me a while to fall asleep, all of my energy to stay asleep, and real dedication to try and sleep past 6:30 a.m. Now, if I can sleep until 8 a.m, I feel like a miracle has happened.
8) You find yourself having long, pointless discussions with your partner.
I consistently find myself having conversations with my partner that I never thought I would. They're just completely nonsensical and ridiculous little conversations, and yet, we have them. The worst part is that they drag on for much longer than they should but it's like we cannot stop talking.
9) Caffeine is no longer a luxury.
During your transition from young to old, caffeine slowly becomes a necessity and no longer a luxury. At one time drinking coffee was fun, tasty, and trendy. You'll now find in your older age that you'll be so desperate for coffee that at some point you'll find yourself re-brewing a cup from a previously brewed k-cup because it's your last one and you'll drink it black just to get that much-needed kick-start of morning energy. Welcome to adult hell.
10) You enjoy having absolutely nothing to do.
When you're young, you always need something to do or somewhere to go. Vacations are spent galavanting around beaches and backpacking to new places 18 hours a day. In your older age, you'll want nothing more than to sit at home with absolutely nothing to do. From starting by sitting in complete silence to finally mustering up the energy to get the TV remote, you'll binge watch television and only get up to make yourself a sandwich or go to the bathroom. This, my friends, is what heaven is like when you're old.
When did you first realize you were finally 'hitting your stride'? Comment below!